One Year Passed
by teecrushfic
Summary: It's always been James and Sirius, until it ... wasn't. Remus wants to take James' place.


One Year Passed

Prologue

_The rain was coming down in sheets; the wireless was crackling with storm and flood warnings, and outside his window, the gutters were already swollen with muddy water and leaves._

_James paced; Sirius' firecall earlier had sounded panicked, almost desperate – and Sirius never sounded like that. Angry, yes, defiant, yes, but not … afraid. Sirius afraid worried him; it was like the first sign of the Apocalypse._

_"You know you can come here, Padfoot; my parents won't mind, and I'd feel better if you were out of that bloody haunted house you call home."_

_"I know, Jamie, I know … and I've got to tell you, I think the shit is finally hitting the fan, my friend."_

_"Isn't it always?" James had tried for a light tone, but his words fell flat._

_Sirius had snorted derisively. "This is more of a shitstorm than just the random rubbish thrown around here; I swear to God, one more pureblood rant, one more accusation of being a 'Muggle-Lover', and I'm gonna …"_

_Loud voices and shouting had erupted behind Sirius then, and he had turned away – and when he faced James again, his face was drawn. "I've got to go. I'll be in touch."_

_"Sirius, just come …"_

_But he was gone, and the fire was once again simple orange flames licking at dry wood._

_The doorbell rang, rousing James from his reverie._

_He heard their house-elf, Marvin, open the door and squeak something about "Master Black," and he hurried to the door to find a drenched and wrecked-looking Sirius, clutching a worn bag that barely clasped._

_"I have him, Marvin … bring some tea to the library, all right?"_

_The house elf bowed and was gone, and James wrapped an arm around his shaking friend and walked him to the library, settling him in a chair before the fire. James didn't push Sirius to speak, but when he finally did, James listened._

_And when Sirius – his brave, cocky Padfoot – began to cry, James held him tight and kissed away his tears, stroked his hair and told him over and over again that he loved him and that everything would be all right._

_"Promise me, Jamie." Wet and bloodshot eyes turned up to his. Sirius' voice was hoarse. "Promise me that it will always be you and me. I need you. Promise me, swear it!"_

_"I promise you. I swear it."_

_Sirius leaned his head against James' chest, closed his eyes, and sighed._

October 1977 – January 1978

"Did you see his face?" Sirius' laugh seemed to boom through the Gryffindor common room as he led the way in, followed by Peter, with James bringing up the rear. "It was priceless! There's nothing quite like seeing Snivellus in his undies, no?"

Remus looked up from the window seat where he was making notes for his Divination essay. "Hasn't that got old yet, Padfoot? You see him in his boxers at least once a week."

"Yeah, just shag him and get it over with already." Peter dropped down into a chair and draped his legs over the arm.

Sirius made a face. "One more crack like that, Wormy, and I'll hex your balls off. Disgusting."

Remus laughed and closed his book for a moment, rubbing his eyes. "So what's on for tonight, mates?"

"I have some firewhiskey that I won off Prewett," offered Peter from his chair. "Two bottles, and he swears it's the real thing this time. We could get pissed."

"Sounds like a plan; Prongs, you in?"

James looked up from where he was rooting around in his school bag. "Uh, no. Lily asked me to study with her, and I said I would."

Remus looked askance at Sirius, who looked at Peter, whose expression suggested that he smelled a rat – figuratively speaking, of course. "Prongs, it's Friday night," said Peter, speaking slowly since James was obviously impaired. "No one studies on a Friday night; it's unnatural."

"Lily does," said James, not looking up. "And I want to spend time with her, so if it's studying she wants, then it's studying she gets."

"Is that what they're calling it now?" Remus smiled from his perch and went back to his book, leaving the other three to battle it out. He himself sometimes studied on Friday nights, but that was only when Sirius demanded James all to himself and spirited him away to the sixth floor cleaning cupboard.

James gave him a small smile in return and closed his bag. "Maybe, Moony, maybe."

Sirius looked disbelieving. "Jamie, seriously…you 'studied' with Evans Monday night, Tuesday night, and last night. For Christ's sakes, you two should know bloody everything there is to know by now! Loosen up tonight!"

James looked up, finally, and his eyes were guarded. "Padfoot, let it go. I've made up my mind, and you badgering the shit out of me isn't going to change it."

James and Sirius locked gazes, and Remus watched the silent battle with interest; Sirius was damned persuasive, but James was stubborn as a bull, and it was anyone's guess who'd win out.

This time, it was James, but Sirius didn't let go gracefully. "Whipped at 16; sad, eh Wormy? Moony? Maybe Evans can buy him a leash and collar to keep him at heel."

James glared at him and shouldered his bag, stomping up the stairs to the 6th year boy's dorm. Sirius scowled and followed him, and Peter started to – more out of habit than anything else – but Remus shook his head.

"No, Peter; let them fight it out. And trust me; you don't want to be in the middle of a scuffle between Padfoot and Prongs."

Peter actually did want to, because he hated missing anything, but this time he heeded Remus' words and sighed, going off to find a card game, dice, or some other illicit activity. Remus stayed where he was, half-listening to the rising voices above him.

It would be the same fight it had been for a month now: James was abandoning them. James was whipped. James couldn't possibly be interested in a girl, for Christ's sake; that was unnatural! James was letting the Marauders down, and on and on. James would counter that Lily was a nice girl, he liked her, Sirius didn't run his fucking life, and he could and would do whatever the hell he wanted; if Sirius didn't like it, he could shove it up his ass.

That was the basic go-round, but lately the fights were filled with vitriol and lasting longer, and the making-up sometimes didn't happen for a day or so. And as far as Remus knew, the cleaning cupboard was gathering dust.

A half-hour later, James came downstairs, still looking angry around the eyes, and muttered that he was going to the library; he'd see Remus later. He left before Remus could say anything, slamming the door behind him.

Ten minutes later, Sirius appeared, seemingly calm and composed – but Remus could see what was behind eyes and knew that Sirius was furious. He was always calmest when he was angry – he said it worried the competition more that way.

Sirius walked over to Remus and took the book out of his hands, closing it and setting it aside, then taking his arm. "Come on, Moony, I smell Firewhiskey with our name on it."

Later, when Sirius was blind drunk and loose-lipped, Remus listened as he raged over James and his apparent defection to vagina. Even Peter knew to keep his mouth shut for once as Sirius broke several glasses and made an unholy racket that none dared complain about.

And when he had finally passed out on the floor, and Remus and Peter had lifted him into his bed and gotten him tucked in, Remus crawled into his own bed and lay there for a long while until a groggy Sirius shifted in his sleep and called out. "Jamie?"

"No," Remus said softly. "Just me."

"Mmm, Moony." Sirius patted the bed beside him, and Remus slid out of his own and into Sirius' without thinking. Sirius turned into his arms and was soon asleep again, while Remus rested his cheek on top of his friend's head until finally, he was able to sleep himself.

& & &

As the weeks wore on, the fights got worse; they were no longer confined to the dorm but raged in the Great Hall, in the greenhouses, on the Quidditch pitch, and on one notable occasion, in Charms, where Sirius successfully turned James' glasses into two large, round Shiitake mushrooms.

And while the tone and volume of the fights changed – increasing – the subject matter did not, and Remus felt rather sorry for Lily Evans, who tried to ignore it all and just go about her life. Her bond with James was obviously growing day by day, though, and while it pained Remus to see Sirius so upset, he was happy for James. Odd as the pairing seemed – studious, serious Lily and happy-go-lucky James – they seemed to suit each other, and if pressed, Remus would have had to say that he'd never seen James so happy.

Fortunately, no one asked, least of all the person who hated the situation the most.

"It will never last," declared Sirius one night. He was in his cups, as was far too common these last months. "I mean, sex aside, her essential ifemaleness/i aside, she's … well, boring. No offense to Evans, she's sweet enough and pretty enough, but where's the excitement? The adventure? He'll get bored, and soon, I guarantee it."

"What if he doesn't?" This from Peter, who never knew when to keep his mouth shut.

"He will," said Sirius with certainty. "James is mine; he promised me, he swore it."

Remus and Peter looked at each other, and Remus' look plainly said, iSay anything else and I **will** find you at the next full moon/i. Peter was smart enough to close his mouth.

For once.

January 1978 – April 1978

"What do you mean, she's taking you out for your birthday? We always celebrate your birthday together, Prongs! It's … " Sirius searched for words. "Tradition! She can take you out this weekend, but tonight is for us!"

Remus winced as Sirius' voice grew louder and James determinedly faced his mirror and tied his tie. "She's taking me to Hogsmeade for dinner, and then we're going to spend some time together."

"Spend some time? How much more fucking time do you two need to spend together? You're attached at the hip all day, every day as it is!"

James sighed. "Padfoot, please don't, all right? Not tonight. Give it a rest tonight."

Remus waited for Sirius to explode; Peter had been smart enough to disappear before the fireworks started, but since he himself was obviously a masochist, he had stayed.

Five, four, three, two, one …

"James." Sirius' voice was strained, with a tone that Remus had never heard before – pleading. "Jamie. Let us take you tonight, and Lily can have you all weekend if she must. But we – Moony and I – never see you anymore. We miss you." He stopped and swallowed. "I miss you. Please."

James turned from the mirror, his expression softer now. "Padfoot, I know you do. I understand. I never thought that a relationship would take so much time, but it does. Can't you understand that?"

"I do understand relationships! I thought we had one, that we all had one! I thought friendship was a relationship, but I was wrong, I guess. Again."

Remus looked over at Sirius, who actually looked like he was struggling not to cry, and felt a twinge down deep - Sirius didn't cry. At least, he had never seen him cry, and frankly doubted that Sirius knew how. So to see this now …

James sighed heavily. "We do have one, but you keep pushing me and pushing me – you make everything difficult, you make everything a big deal! Why can't you just let things ride, even for a day? Why, Sirius?"

"Because I love you." Sirius' voice had dropped low. "Because she might say she loves you, and maybe she does, but she could never love you like I do."

Remus got up silently and left the room then; his heart felt heavy and his stomach was uneasy. But he wasn't sure if it was because he felt worse for James or worse for Sirius.

Or, just maybe, for himself.

& & &

Of course, James went with Lily.

Of course, Sirius got drunk, drinking steadily from a bottle of Scotch that he'd taken from someone; Remus didn't know who, and he was damn sure no one would complain. They wouldn't dare.

In the past months, people had started to avoid Sirius. Gone was the genial, happy prankster who both annoyed and amused his professors while making students of every house – even Slytherin – snicker behind their hands at his antics. Even Malfoy had been known to snicker at Master Black, even as his intended, Sirius' cousin Narcissa, turned up her nose at them all. But no more; now people watched him uneasily, didn't stop and joke with him, or ask his help with Charms, his specialty. They stayed away.

All except for Remus, of course, and Peter. And even Peter, that little shit, was finding other things to do and other ways to spend his time, leaving Remus to weather Hurricane Sirius alone.

Remus listened silently as Sirius raged and cursed and said all the things he'd said before, and all the things he would say again. And when he broke down and cried, Remus wrapped his arms around him and wiped his tears away with his lips.

Soft, soft innocent lips on his cheek, on his chin, on his nose, and Sirius looked up into those liquid brown eyes and saw something he had not seen before.

Sirius took Remus into his bed that night, and for a while, he didn't miss James at all.

& & &

All had been quiet for almost a month, since James' 17th birthday, and it appeared that somehow, some way, Potter and Black had come to an agreement.

James still spent nearly all his time with Lily, and Sirius had taken to bringing Remus to the 6th floor cleaning cupboard on occasion, though they did little more than kiss and touch. But it was enough for Remus, who would take what he could get from Sirius – the boy he'd loved since second year.

It seemed as though everyone was moving on, but it was the calm before the storm. And when the storm broke, it was the last thing that anyone expected.

Most people would have predicted that the final argument would happen on a weekend – after all, those were the times Sirius missed James the most. But it happened on a Thursday … a Thursday after a full moon.

James had still spent them with his mates; he understood, or seemed to, that Remus needed him at those times, Sirius wanted him at the Shack, and Peter … well, Peter hung around. Through these last months, while everything else had changed, that still stayed the same – the one constant. If there was a full moon, the Marauders disappeared.

Remus suspected that Lily knew he was a lycanthrope, but if she did, she never said anything to him about it. She and he had been partnered on a Potions experiment, and he had found her sweet, smart, and charming, and he could understand what James saw in her.

He didn't bother to pass that thought on to Sirius, who had ceased to blame Lily for the widening gap between him and James – between the Marauders and James – and now, just blamed James. Bitterly.

That Thursday night, Remus had endured one of the hardest and most painful shifts yet, his still-growing human body suffering as his wolf form took shape. His howls of pain had rent the air around the Shack until even its spell-charged Shrieking could barely disguise the sound. Sirius had guarded the Shack's entrance with his life – literally – and even Peter had scurried about, making sure that nothing could enter, from anywhere.

But James – James had not been there. For the first time since they had all mastered becoming Animagi, James had not been there on a turning night. And Sirius was now more than angry; he was furious.

This time it wasn't just anger for his own sake – it was for Remus'. James had abandoned all of them, and yes, maybe he, Sirius, hadn't helped, and Peter could be a royal pain in the ass, but _Remus_ had needed him.

And James hadn't been there for him.

For Remus, of all people - arguably one of the kindest, sweetest boys to ever walk the earth, and a fierce friend, loyal and strong. And James had even turned his back on him.

That was it – Sirius had had it and dammit, Jamie was going to know exactly how badly he'd fucked up this time, and he was going to apologize to Remus and make things right. Or else.

Or else exactly what, Sirius didn't know, but it would be _bad._

He waited for James in their room, pacing. Remus was surprised he was still in human form.

"Sirius," pleaded Remus, "please don't make a huge fuss over this – I'm all right, **was** all right – I have this burden to bear and will have to all my life. I need to learn to handle it without leaning on you, or Prongs, or Wormy. You won't be able to babysit me forever. Please, let it go."

"No." Sirius' face was stony. "Not this time."

"Padfoot …"

But Sirius didn't want to hear it, and Remus didn't want to leave, given that this whole fight would be precipitated over him - even though it wasn't about him in the grand scheme of things, not even remotely.

So both boys waited, one pacing and the other one watching, his eyes following Sirius' every step.

Too soon for Remus' taste – and not soon enough for Sirius' – a familiar tread could be heard on the stairs, and James burst into the room in his characteristic fashion. "Hullo, boys," he said genially, then stopped short at the look on both of their faces.

"What?" His tone had immediately become guarded.

Remus took a breath at the same moment that Sirius spoke, his voice cold. "James, what was last night?"

"Last night?"

"Yes. Do take your time thinking about it." Sirius had folded his arms to hide the fact that his hands were already balled into fists and he just wanted to smash them into James' face.  
Long moments passed, and then …

"Oh, shit! Full moon! Fuck, Moony, I'm so sorry! Were you all right? Was it bad this time?"

Remus shrugged. "It wasn't good, no, but …"

"It was fucking terrible is what it was!" burst out Sirius, unable to contain himself - but also not trying very hard. "It was the worst yet, his two bodies struggling, and he was in fucking **pain** James, real pain! And where were you? Fucking your little girlfriend in her room? Or better yet, in the 'Human Anatomy' stack in the library? Or maybe you bent her over the lab table in the Potions classroom and … "

"Shut up!" James was red in the face, and now his were balled, and he was breathing harder. "Shut up! Don't you dare talk about Lily that way!"

"I'm not talking about your darling Lily! I'm talking about **you**, you bloody fucking piece of shit!"

Remus' eyes were wide with shock; Sirius had never, ever said anything like that to James, as far as he knew, and the three of them had been damned near inseparable for years.

James' eyes were wide too, and dark with anger. "I made a mistake, okay? I forgot!"

"You never have before! Why don't you just admit it, Prongs? You don't give a flying fuck anymore about anything but you and her. Your friends, who have been with you all the way, who have supported you, loved you – we mean nothing now, and last night finally, finally proved it." Sirius' voice had shaken a bit on the word "loved," but he finished strongly enough as he glared back at James.

They stared at each other for what seemed to Remus to be hours, but of course wasn't. Then James put up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

"You go ahead and think whatever you want, Sirius. You made up your mind months ago that I was a horrible friend, that I didn't deserve the rest of the Marauders' friendship, and you've been working hard ever since to prove that to everyone. I fought it at first, but I'm tired of fighting with you. I'm tired of always being the bad guy because I had the nerve to actually fall in love with someone other than you. I'm tired of you being on me all the time, goading me, baiting me. I'm tired of defending myself, of defending Lily. I'm just fucking tired of it all

He shoved his hand back through his hair. "You win. I'm a wretched git who deserves nothing he has. All right? Happy now?"

There was silence … and then Sirius was on top of James, punching him everywhere he could reach, and despite his words, James was fighting back. Remus watched, stunned, as the two boys beat the living hell out of each other, former best friends locked in combat that had nothing to do with their argument.

Blood and sweat were pouring off of them, along with words both intelligible and not, but their tone and desperation were unmistakable.

By the time that Remus thought he was going to have to either risk a broken jaw dragging them apart or Body-Bind both of them, James threw Sirius off him and pushed himself upright.

Blood was dripping down his chin, and Sirius' eye was swelling rapidly; it looked like James might have broken his nose. Both of them were covered in bruises and knots, for no blows had been spared.

Sirius spoke first. "Jamie," he whispered, and he was pleading. "Don't leave me … don't push me aside, please. You promised, you swore it would always be us, please! That night in your library, I was wrecked, and you made it better. You told me it would always be you and me and now it's not any more? It's just you and Lily and then the rest of us don't mean anything to you?"

James just stared back at him, and as he opened his mouth, Remus got up from his bed and left the room. He couldn't listen to Sirius beg for something that was no longer there, not when he could have what was right in front of him. Not when Remus would give him everything.

Whatever happened in their room that night stayed between the two of them – Sirius went to the hospital wing and had his nose reset and his eye tended to, and by the time he came back, James was gone.

April 1978 – August 1978

"Padfoot, it's time for dinner." Remus touched Sirius gently on the shoulder, but the other boy barely acknowledged him. Remus pressed harder. "Dinner. You need to eat something, come on!"

Sirius just shook his head and stayed where he was, curled up on his bed and reading, endlessly reading and re-reading the letters James had sent him over the years, the notes from class, the owls over vacations. He completely ignored the flesh and blood James, whom he now considered a stranger, and James didn't make any effort to reconcile with him, either.

Peter, not knowing how to handle anything, really, had pretty much disappeared, unable to take the silence, the coldness. Remus would have been tempted to follow suit, but that would mean leaving Sirius, and leaving Sirius wasn't an option.

There was one month left of sixth year when Sirius finally started to act like himself again; he still didn't talk to James or laugh like he used to, but it was better than the shadow he had been.

During this time, Remus did what he did best – be a friend. He made Sirius eat, made him go to class, made him do his homework, and when Sirius occasionally needed someone in his bed, Remus was there. Sirius never did more than kiss and touch him, like he had before. And when he finally slept, Remus watched the silent tears slide down Sirius' face, feeling helpless and angry.

Why couldn't he see? Why couldn't Sirius love ihim/i the way he loved another?

It was wrong of him to let Sirius use him like this, he knew it – but it was either these stolen moments of something he could pretend was love, or both of them lonely in their own beds. Remus had always been satisfied with the scraps he'd been thrown before, but it was getting harder and harder each day to smile and pretend it was all right to be the substitute, the second run.

He wanted more. He needed more.

& & &

The days were getting longer as summer approached, and thin strips of light still fell across Sirius' coverlet as he nibbled on Remus' collarbone and stroked his stomach. "Mmm, Moony … you taste like lemon drops, or maybe taffy of some sort." He nuzzled him gently, licking and tasting, and Remus grinned.

"You smell like smoke, butterbeer, and debauchery."

Sirius laughed. "How extraordinary – you smell like sweetness and innocence, and I smell like the gutter. Fitting, no?"

"I'm not that innocent, however." Remus rubbed the pad of his thumb across Sirius' dark nipple, then pinched it hard, making Sirius shiver, and then smile.

"You do have your moments," he admitted, then reached to extinguish the single pale lamp, leaving them outlined in fading light. He started to turn over. "Good night, my Remus-love."

Remus stared at his back. "It's barely half eight!"

"I know, but…" He shrugged. "It's enough."

Remus swallowed hard around the knot rising in his throat. "No, it's not enough" His voice was quavering, but he didn't care. "It's not enough for me. It's never enough."

He sat up and shoved Sirius in the shoulder, surprising even himself, and Sirius turned and sat up, looking at him in total surprise. "Moony?"

"I'm tired of being your substitute for James. I'm not James, and I never will be, but I love you just as much. You just won't see it!"

Remus felt the tears rising to the surface but wouldn't cry. Not here, not in front of Sirius. "I've always been here, just behind him, and I could see why you couldn't see me – who can compare with the fabulous James Potter? But now he's gone, and you still can't see me – or you won't! You have your cuddle, your kisses, and then you turn your back on me and expect me to be all right with that, but I'm not. I never was, and now …"

Dammit, he was going to cry. Remus turned his head and got out of bed, grabbing for his robe, desperate to find someplace to be alone with his frustration and sadness. But a strong hand closed around his wrist and pulled him backward till his knees hit the edge of the bed. He sat down, hard.

Remus bowed his head, felt warm breath against his bare neck. "Moony," Sirius murmured against his skin. "You're not a substitute for anyone, ever."

Remus swallowed. "Right. Of course not." He swiped angrily at the tears leaking from beneath his lashes.

The voice in his ear was barely audible. "James and I are two of a kind – selfish bastards, both of us, and not fit for someone like you."

"Why not? Jesus, Sirius, just say I'm not enough for you and leave me alone! Don't give me that smile. Don't hold me, stroke my hair, kiss my neck, and then turn away. Don't touch me at all!"

Sirius didn't let go. "Remus John Lupin, you are more than enough for me; I'm the one who's not good enough for you. I'm the stupid shit who holds on to what is gone - every little scrap because I can't accept that it **is** gone. I'm the one who shoves away everyone who would help me." Sirius was stroking his hair gently. "I'm the idiot who apparently was both blind and dumb to someone who would have loved me."

"Not would have loved you," Remus managed. "Who does love you; has always loved you, even when you were an idiot. **Are** an idiot."

"I'm often an idiot." The voice held a smile now, and despite his tears, Remus had to smile too.

"You are."

"But you are willing to overlook that?"

"I always have."

The smile turned to a soft laugh. "Yes you have. Remus, turn around and look me in the eyes."

Hesitantly, he did so and was surprised by the light in them; it was not the usual twinkle of mischief or even the spark of anger, but a look he hadn't seen before

But he knew what it was. And it was for him.

And finally, for him alone.

Sirius' arms slid around him, and that warm mouth was on his, kissing him hard, gripping his shoulders and pulling Remus tightly against him, Sirius' hand moving down to wrap around Remus' cock and stroke, making him gasp into the kiss and grind frantically against Sirius' hand.

Sirius chuckled, and pulled Remus down on top of him, and this time there was no stopping, no "enough," no turning away.

There could never be enough.

**Epilogue**

Remus leaned against the splintering wood doorway that led to the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place and watched the man sitting at the table, pouring red wine with a shaking hand.

Dirty, shaggy, caked with grime, his clothes tattered and his eyes shadowed with horrors that no man should ever have to face, Sirius Black was a shattered wreck of a man.

He was beautiful still, and Remus moved over to stand behind him and rest his hands on his thin shoulders.

Sirius leaned his head back, looked up into his eyes – and smiled. It was the smile that Remus had fallen in love with so many years ago.

Remus picked up the bottle of red, the goblet, slid his arm around the waist of the man he loved, and took him upstairs.

They fell into each other, and they knew all over again that there was no such thing as enough - for either of them.


End file.
